Down in the dumps would have been an understatement.

I was,

-lonely

-incredibly Sad

-crazy

-more emotional than ever.

-in need of my mom.

I

-had the biggest lump in my throat.

-couldn't tell anyone how I felt.

-(in my mom's words) was a mess.

-hate the way this is.

Last night was by far one of the toughest nights I have ever experienced. Why? I woke up sad, and it only got worse. I don't know why. When Jerry took me home, I didn't want him to leave. We drove around for a minute. I cried uncontrollably and I couldn't tell him why I was so upset. I knew he was tired and I told him just to go home, and that I would be fine. Once I got inside my house I knew I wouldn't be fine. I missed my mom, I missed my happy life, I miss my happy dad, and I miss my some what normal life. Sometimes I honestly think I'm crazy. So I went to talk to Rani (Jerry's step mom). Sometimes you just need a mom. And I did, more than ever. I called Jerry after I left her house, and we talked and cried for awhile. I yelled at him for all the things that I think are going wrong, and he apologized, even though he didn't need to. I guess I just needed to complain about stuff. And I am so sorry for everything I yelled at Jerry about. We didn't get to bed till late. I said the longest bed time prayer I have ever said. I know. Things will get better some day....

I believe everything is better in the morning. And luckily today was no exception. Although I'm still a little sad, I'll be okay.

A reading from the holy gospel according to John

Everything that the Father gives me will come to me,
and anyone who comes to me I will never drive away;
for I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will,
but the will of him who sent me.
And this is the will of him who sent me,
that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me,
but raise it up on the last day.
This is indeed the will of my Father,
that all who see the Son and believe in him may have eternal life;
and I will raise them up on the last day."
The Gospel of the Lord.

Turn that frown..upside down.

It's been a tough day.

You're the line in the sand when I go to far.

My dad often tells me, "we're just so out of it." He says this referring to my mom's death and the time that has past since. We find our selves questioning the events that occured right after her death and which family members were around. We do silly, weird things and don't remember doing them. We often forget that my mom is actually gone, and we refer to her doing things in the present tense. And the other day I was thinking about it, and maybe it's just an answer to our prayers. I've heard before that if God brings you to it, he'll get you through it. I think this is true. Before the death of my mom I never thought I could handle the loss of one of my parents. But now that she is gone (in Heaven), we are making it through it. We're kind of in a fog, a twilight zone, we are just "out of it." It is still tough, I'm not saying that it's not. But we are making it, we're still alive and we haven't given up. I know that a lot of people have prayed for us, and for that I am grateful. Without the help of God, we would be enduring an endless struggle. We are put in this fog, to make it through. Please continue to pray for my dad, as this is so very tough for him. Pray for him to find joy in life again, that's what he needs.

Let me tell you a story.

**Every night I pray for my dad. One night in particular I prayed for my dad to find joy in life, and to find something that he could look forward to. The very next night while Jerry, my dad and I were having dinner my dad said, "We need to find a place where Jerry can open a shop." (I had just stated using recipes to cook things I had never cooked before.) And then he said, "And Colie, you can cook for the people while they wait for their cars." And then with so much excitement he said, "We'll call it Wheels and Grill!" He continued to talk about it the rest of the night. He talked about what food he would want to serve and where the shop location would be. We sat at the dinner table talking about 'Wheels and Grill,' for over an hour, and still to this day he talks about opening it. And I am confident that someday it will happen. :) Truly an answer to my prayer. **

In other news:

*Jerry and I played Phase Ten with his family Friday night.

*We watched Bart, Rani and the rest of the family float the river Saturday.

*My dad, Jerry and I went to the Josh Turner Concert, it was good. :)

*My Aunt Kim and cousins are coming this weekend.

*The Bug gets a new windsheild Wednesday!

What a beautiful angel she must be.

There are so many things I'm not sure of in life, but with all certainty at this very minute, all I know is that I miss her.

Simply Red, what a reminder

Through out my whole life, my mom would go through phases where she would really love one band and she would buy every CD they ever made, listen to it daily, and dance and sing. She was an amazing singer. Her last phase was without a doubt Simply Red. I know that most of the world has not heard of Simply Red, and I think you've missed out. My mom had tickets to go see Simply Red, since he was from Europe he hardly ever comes to the United States and she would always remind us of that.

One night Jerry, my dad, mom and I played Monopoly for several hours. We listened to Simply Red the whole time. My mom would occasionally go back to the CD player to turn it up and by the end of the night I'm sure even the neighbors were enjoying the music. That was the night that the tickets first sold, and we stayed up until midnight to buy them. She was so excited. Unfourtinately she never physically made it to the concert but I know she's in Heaven singing along at every one of his concerts.

My dad and I went to the concert, which was in March. The concert was in California, we had bought tickets and reserved a hotel room. On the day of the flight (and the concert) we missed our plane. Oh no! The flight that we were rebooked for was a few hours later and went to a different air port, which our luggage went to a whole different air port. What a disaster. We thought we might not even make it to the concert at all. We arrived in Orange County, drove to LAX got our luggage, got to our hotel room, waited for a taxi and finally, an hour late we arrived to the concert. To our surprise the concert hadn't even started yet. I know she was watching over us that day.

Here are some lyrics from one of my mom's favorite Simply Red songs, "Money's too tight to Mention", isn't it true?

I been laid off from work my rent is dueMy kids all need brand new shoesSo I went to the bank to see what they could doThey said son looks like bad luck got a hold on you

Moneys too tight to mentionI cant get an unemployment extensionMoneys too tight to mention

I went to my brother to see what he could doHe said brother Id like to help but Im unable toSo called on my father, fatherAlmighty father, he said

Moneys too tight to mentionOh money money money moneyMoneys too tight to mentionI cant even qualify for my pension

Were talking bout reaganomicsOh lord down in the congressTheyre passing all kinds of billsFrom up there on capitol hill, weve tried it

Moneys too tight to mentionOh money money money moneyMoneys too tight to mentionCutbacks!

Were talking bout the dollar billAnd that old man whos over the hillNow what are we all to doWhen moneys got a hold on you

Moneys too tight etc.

Were talking bout money moneyWere talking bout money money

1 Thing 2 Say 3 Words 4 you!

Have an incredible Tuesday!

Be Happy.

Take Chances.

Meet a new friend.

Thank God.

A Busy Weekend!

Our weekend was quite eventful and it went way to fast! On Friday I had the day off and I did lots of homework until about 4pm, then Jerry and I went to Montpillier for Kobie's baseball tournament. After working hard on homework I only had about a paragraph finished on my six page paper, so Jerry and I were going to go home Saturday so that I could finish. We stayed the night with Jeff and Teresa and watched Kobie's baseball games (which were very early,) they won the first game and lost the second. The second game really was unfair and they probably should have won it. But what's done is done. Jerry was very excited to find out that there was a car show in a near by park. We saw lots of neat cars, and one man told us all about his Model T (I think that's what it was?). We then decided not to go home that night, we stayed another night. It was a lot of fun to be with all the baseball kids and their families. I even got to hear some people talk [[good]] about Obama. It was a nice change from all the horrible stuff I hear about him.

On Sunday Jerry, Kobie, Jeff, Teresa and I ate breakfast and headed to the lake, where we met up with my dad and Taylor. We had a fun day on the boat. Taylor and Jerry wake boarded for the first time and did really good! I wish we would have had the camera. It was fun to have both of our families together. It started to get very cloudy and looked as if it was going to rain so we headed back to the marina. We loaded the boat, and by the time we were ready to head home the sun came out and the clouds disappeared. But we still went home. We were all very tired. We got home, took showers and then went out to dinner at Don Pedro's, thanks to Jeff and Teresa. =) We finished off our early night with a few games of pool.

I also decided yesterday not to finish my online classes, I was so wore out. I had no motivation to finish because the classes were only worth electives and weren't worth all the stress. In many ways I feel like a quitter, I worked all summer for nothing. But I did learn a lot, and that's all a class is really for right? I think so. I'm not a quitter, I worked hard for all that I learned throughout the classes.

It was so much fun to be with Jerry and our families all weekend. I'm so blessed to have all of them in my life.

Today I am going to lunch with some friends that moved to Texas a few years ago, they are in town visiting. It should be a lot of fun to catch up. :)

"A good memory is one that can remember the day's blessings and forget the day's troubles."

Thankful Thursday

I just found out that the classes I have been taking all summer are only going to count as electives. :( This makes me so sad, mad and angry. Why won't a political science class from Western count as a political science class at Weber? It's stupid! This news came at a horrible time. I have a six page paper due Sunday, and now I don't even feel like writing it. So to calm my self down I have decided to write about what I am thankful for.

*I am thankful to have the oppurtunity to learn and to go to college.
*I am thankful for my loving dad, who always tells me he loves me. He is the best dad, and he has always been there for me.
*I am thankful to have a job, there are so many unemployed people in the world.
*I am thankful to have Jerry as my boyfriend and best friend. He is so caring, loving, sweet, funny and smart.
*I am thankful to have so many friends who are always there to talk, make me laugh and check on me.
*I am thankful for my family.
*I am thankful for the air I breathe.
*I am thankful to have the most beautiful guardian angel in Heaven, I call her mom. :)
*I am thankful to have been taught about God.
*I am thankful to have God lead me through my day and through the toughest situations.
*I am thankful to be surronded by so much love.

In other news:
-Katie and I are going to have ice cream today. =)
-Today is my Friday!!
-I finally decided a topic for my Sociology paper, Deviant Behavior.
-Jerry and I are going camping with his family this weekend.
-Boating on Sunday!
-Kobie's last tournament is this weekend. Good Luck Kobie!

"May you always have work for your hands to do. May your pockets hold always a coin or two. May the sun shine bright on your windowpane. May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you. And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you."

American Idol

Last night Jerry, Jerry's dad and step mom and I went to the American Idol Live concert. I left work around 4 so that I could go home to change and get our tickets. As I drove to my house I thought about the American Idol Concert that my mom and I went to just two years ago. I began to cry. I wanted so badly for my mom to go to that conert with me last night. We met at Jerry's dad's house and left from there. Once we got in the door, Jerry and I were going to get some food before the show started. We ordered 2 chicken sandwhiches and a mountain dew. They lady told us our total and Jerry gave her his debit card. The lady began swiping the card, over and over, upside down and backwards. After about fifteen minutes she asked Jerry for a different card, he politely told the lady she was swiping the card the wrong way and she tried to swipe the card again, the right way. Jerry and I have both had jobs where we utilized a credit card machine, we knew from our experience she was not using the machine correctly. After about 20 minutes, Jerry finally told the lady, "It's okay, we'll go somewhere else." So we left our food on the counter and headed down to some other food mechants. There was a stand where they sold chicken bowls, much like Teriyaki Stix, however it was a private merchant who didn't accept creidt cards. We went to the ATM, got some money and finally got some food. From there we pushed our way through crowds of little girls and finally found our seats. I had bought good seats, floor seats, only 18 rows back. Little did I know these "good seats" were not the best. After finishing our chicken bowls, with about 10 minutes left before show time two ladies came down and sat next to me. Each of these ladies probably weighed about 300 pounds (If that people big have to buy 2 airplane tickets, they should have to buy 2 concert tickets.) The lady next to me sat down, filling her chair and half of my lap ( I have no problem with the size of this lady, she was very nice, I was just so uncomfotable.) Luckily the seats next to Jerry had not yet been taken and the show began so we scooted over a seat. I felt incredibly rude, scooting away from these ladies, but I'm sure it made both of us more comfortable. About fifteen are so close together." This made me feel sick to my stomach, as I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Soon into the show the two people to fill the vacant seats arrived and I was placed back into the seat next to the hearty woman. Everyone knows that Adam Lambert was the Americaminutes into the show the lady leaned over and said, "Sorry I squished you off your seat, these seatsn Idol favorite through out the nation, and this was no exception in Utah. Whenever there was even a glimps of Adam on the big screens that lined the stage the whole crowd would scream. The loudest of all, the little girls who sat behind us. The show continued, one American Idol sang after another and soon there was short intermission. We let our ears rest from the loud screams and booming speakers. And soon enough the show was back on. For all of you who watched American Idol this season you know Danny Gokey, and you know his story. For those of you who don't, Danny's wife died shortly before he took the plunge and tried out for American Idol. I always felt a connection with this guy because I lost my mom around the same time that he lost his wife. He began his portion of the show with an incredible up beat song. The second song he sang was, "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. I told Jerry at the begining of the song that I couldn't believe he could sing the song with out crying. I began to think about my mom and our last American Idol concert that we attended together. The song continued and Jerry asked if I was okay? I wasn't...I began crying, I had the biggest lump in my throat and I couldn't get it to go away. Embarassed I really tried to stop the tears from rolling down my face but I couldn't. I finally settled down and Danny ended the show by singing the Rascal Flatts song, "My wish." I shed a few tears during this song as well and I thought about my mom the whole time. Luckily Danny Gokey was finished after that song, and the lump in my throat softened. As you may know the person after Danny to get kicked off American Idol was Adam Lambert. Man, could those little girls behind us scream, they had the highest pitched voice I have ever heard. Jerry and I often found our selves plugging our ears to avoid the piercing pain. I would have to agree, Adam Lambert is an amazing entertainer, and has an amazing voice, but the little girls behind us didn't allow us to enjoy his portion of the show. Once Adam was finished, the winner of the show, Kris Allen performed. He is so cute. And he even sang the song that Jerry and I like best, "Heartless." The show ended with the entire top ten performing together. It was a good show, but I was thankful when it was over. We headed toward the truck and went home. We enjoyed the show, and I hope my mom was in Heaven dancing! :)

Kris Allen. Cute huh?

Adam Lambert, the star of the show.

The end of the show, all of them together.

Oh! And one last thing. SCOTT! Man I love this guy. He is blind, plays the piano and is amazing. He's so cute. I told Jerry yesterday that he inspires me! He really does!

I want to succeed

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded. *Ralph Emerson

I sit here at my desk. . . dreading the next few hours. . . dreading the six page paper I need to write. . . wanting to fast forward time. And, then I realize. . . I'm wasting time, precious time, time that I will never get back. So I thought about it, if I live to be 100, I only have 80 years left, 365 days in each of those years and 24 hours within each day. Calculated, I have about 700,800 hours left. I didn't do these calculations to create a countdown for my life just to make me realize, there are going to be so many times in my life where I just want to fast forward, accomplish and forget the tough situations that occur. Each one of these things that I dread makes me who I am, without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am thankful for every minute, hour, day, year and opportunity I am given. I need to stop dreading, and start living. I am going to write that six page paper, and celebrate it's finish. Those six pages puts me one step closer to a college degree, one step closer to my dreams. . . my future. I have 2 hours and 20 minutes left of work, which is essentially about $20.50. I am lucky to be alive, I am lucky to work, to earn money and to have an education.

She Flew up to Heaven by the Wings of Angels

As I was driving out to my dad's shop today I thought a lot about my mom. I thought about the last time we really spent time together. The weekend before she passed away I came home Thursday because I needed to observe some elementary school classes for an assignment I had. I got to eat lunch with her that day, and we bought some bras together. :P On Saturday of that weekend we got our nails done, made dinner and just hung out together all day!! On Sunday of that weekend we cleaned the house and Jerry and I helped her put the blinds up. My dad was mowing the lawn when I got ready to go back to Ogden. I went out and told him goodbye, and came back in to tell my mom goodbye. I remember it exactly and it makes me cry just thinking about it. She was standing next to the banister next to the stairs, I gave her a hug and she told me not to spend too much time at Jerry's house before I left. She told me she loved me...I told her I loved her and then I went over to Jerry's house, Candice and Brett were there and we spent sometime stacking Love Sacs on top of each other and jumping on each other. It was a lot of fun. Then my mom called to see if I had left yet, I told her no, and that I would leave right then, and I did. I was about 5 miles north of Morgan when my mom called to see if I had made it there yet. She was doing laundry and we talked for a few minutes before she told me she would call me that night before she went to bed and then hung up. That was the last time I talked to her. Ohhh how I wish she would have called me that night before she went to bed, or I wish I would have called her. We did get to spend an amazing last weekend together. I wish I could relive that weekend for a while.
I miss her a lot, so much, everyday. I always think thoughts in my head like, "Well I'll just take it back, I will never let that happen." It's like I forget that she ACTUALLY is gone, and I think it's just a bad thought, a bad dream...a nightmare. But the truth of it is, it is real! I won't see her for another 80 years, (I have promised myself I am going to live to be 100) when I die and meet my mom in Heaven.
I have always believed that people who believe in God will live longer. (I.E The Pope, Gordon B. Hinkley and my Grandpa) I use to tell my mom this and she would say, "They have something to live for." I pray lots, love my family and friends and give myself something to live for. Because I am going to live to be 100.
My mom use to always tell us that because her mom and dad didn't live to be over the age of 65 she wouldn't either. I never want to cut my self short. I AM going to live to be 100!! :) And I have my mom watching over me! =)
If there is anything that my mom would want us to learn from this it is:
*1. Never forget to call when you say you will, you never know when we won't have the chance to call the people you love anymore.
*2.Always tell the person you love that you love them.
*3.Cherish everyday as if its your last, because it just might be.
*4. Give your self something/someone to live for.
*5. Don't limit your self, tell yourself you ARE going to live to be 100, not a day less.
"She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angelsBy the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waitingAnd I know she's smiling sayingDon't worry 'bout me" -Sissy's Song By Alan Jackson

All You Need Is Love!

In the midst of sitting at desk from 8-5, I decided office work is not for me. Sure, I appreciate it, who wouldn't at a time like this. I'm lucky to have a job. But I am simply using this job to get myself through another semester of college. 5 more semesters and I'll have a degree, it sounds amazing. I have never been more sure, I want a job I love. I don't want it to be a chore to go to work everyday. I don't want to dread 5 days out of every 7 days of a week. I want to thrive, I want to have fun, and I want to make a difference. What better way is there to spend a day than teaching kids filled with enthusiasim and imagination. Deep down, I think that's who I am too. Just a kid. I often think about the day that I will have my own classroom, and 20 or so kids looking up to me. I can't wait. There isn't one aspect of teaching that I dread. I can't wait for recess, ABC's, summer, Chirstmas and Spring break, kids who look up to me, and maybe even one kid who might bring me an apple? haha. The truth of it is, this office job isn't for me. It's far too quiet, far too boring, far too lonely. Some people love that, and I admire them, but it's just not for me.

In other news:

*We are going to see my sister tomorrow, I can't wait.

*I'm so glad the weekend is here! In fact I only have 36 minutes left of work.

*Only 2 more weeks of online classes! :):):):)

*I have spent the day, doing homework, myspaceing and facebooking.

*A magazine for my mom was delieved to her work today, gosh I miss her.

*The Michael Jackson freenze is close to over???!!

*I want to do something fun tonight, but Jerry has to work on Taylor's car so the chances of a fun night are slim to none.

*Tomorrow is my cousins birthday, I am going to make them dinner tonight so that they can cook it tomorrow!

I hope you have a happy, fun weekend! Remember how blessed you are to see another beautiful day! :)

" There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy." -The Beatles, All You Need Is Love

But what if he's a killer?

This weekend Jerry, my dad and I are going to visit my sister. Oh man I sure do love her! Her boyfriend is coming to visit and this will be the first time we will meet him. I will have to make sure he is not a killer. ;) Let me tell you a quick story about that. [[A few years ago, after my sister had broken up with (what my parents had though was the perfect, respectable) boy she had hooked up with a new guy, Trent. They had bought a new truck, moved in together and had plans to get married. My mom found that the only problem was...she had never met him. Rumors around work, in town and from anyone who could spread them left a bad taste in her mouth. She would always tell us, "What if he's a killer or something?" We would laugh but then she should go on to say, "I'm her mom, it's my job to make sure she is with the right guy." It was sad because she was very serious and wanted to make sure my sister only had the best boyfriend/soon to be husband possible. Soon the wedding was off, and they broke up. The grandkids (my sister's dogs) we're split up and now have only an occasional visitation.]]

Now....I feel that my mom would want me to take over to make sure he isn't a killer and to make sure he is the right guy. And I'll do that. From what I've heard I'm sure he'll pass. :)

Pray

Today my boss is out of town. As a result, my blog got new clothes. :)


Micheal Jackson's funeral yesterday made me cry. Why? I think mostly because it reminded me so much of my mom. Everyone was so sad because they lost The King, I was sad because I lost my momma. Death is such a very sad thing, but I have faith this isn't it. There has to be more. It sounds pathetic, but with as many people who believe in god, Jesus, Buddha....what ever it may be, there has to be some truth to it. There is a higher power out there, I trust that. So I continue to pray, more than ever. I pray for my dad more than anything. I pray for my friends, Jerry, soldiers, my family, Barack Obama (because I want him to suceed), I pray for my self, and I pray in particular for anyone who happens to pop into my head. I've been praying for a long time, all my life. But I [[really]] pray now, I mean what I say. Justine and I use to pray at football games, we would pray to make the cheer squad, perhaps pray to learn our cheers...I'm afraid she's lost hope. I pray for her lots too. :) (Love you Lady!)

Anyway the work day has 2 minutes to go and I need to clean up. I'll pray for you today. :)

Happy Independence Day!

Sheesh. Look at those faces.

I am so glad I that I live in America. I'm thankful for all those who have fought and protected our country. I am proud to say that I am American, and I live in country where freedom is thriving.

Today Jerry and I took my dad to the Valley to go to a wedding. We left him and a friend there while we came back to Evanston and hung out with Jerry's family. We ate dinner, hung out and lit off fireworks. Which brings me to my next point. Evanston is definately the best place to be on the 4th of July. There are so many fireworks. So many people. So much color, smoke and smell. It is amazing and unlike anywhere else in the world. We sat on the rooftop and watched everyones fireworks. Truely amazing. As I watched the fireworks today I thought a lot about my mom. I miss her so much, it's hard to believe it has been 8 months since she passed away. I wish she was still alive. Sometimes I think, maybe it really is just a dream, man, woudn't that be nice? I want her back, I want her hug. I love you momma!

I made a decision today that I never want my life to be overcomed with addiction, whether it is alcohol, cigaretts, drugs, gambleing....anything. I don't want to loose control over my life. I don't want to need something to make me happy and to satisfy my life. I worry so much about the people I see around me that are so addicted to things they have truely lost control.

Anyway, I hope that you all had a happy 4th of July!!

Happy Weekend!

Have an incredible, patriotic, joyful weekend!

[[*Today you are You, and that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."]] Dr. Seuss

Zero Motivation

I want to have the 4th of July weekend free, mostly by free I mean I don't want to worry about my online classes. They take up so much of my time, and I am to the point that I don't even want to look at the computer anymore. I have so many things to get done today and tomorrow, including an essay, unit test, videos and powerpoints to watch for political science. And I need to read another chapter, take a quiz and write on a discussion board for Sociology. I keep debating whether or not I should start my essay. But the essay questions are so hard. And I am clueless about all three of them. :( It's summer and I want to be outside!!

On a brighter note, I only have 26 more days of online classes. I got so sun burnt this weekend, but it is finally starting to feel better. I am excited for the 4th this weekend. It should be fun, and hopefully we will be going out on the boat on Sunday.

**Have a good Wednesday and first day of July!!

[[“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”]] ~Dr. Seuss