Monday, August 31, 2009

...Oh forget it.

Sometimes I find that I just ignore things just so that I don't have to think about it. I put things in the back of my mind, and think about happy things, the way things use to be, it makes me feel better. A lot of the time I forget that my mom is gone. And when I remember, and truly think about it, it really gets me down in the dumps. When I am in Ogden it is easy for me to *forget* how sad my dad is. The future scares me. It scares me more than anything. I just wish I had things figured out.

I am so worried about applying for the teaching program. What if my paper isn't good enough? What if I totally bomb the CAPP test? What if I am just not made to be a teacher? So for now, I focus on now, the present, and maybe the near future. But not much over that. I trust that what happens in the future has been set to happen all my life. It's all within God's plan, and I know what ever my future may hold, I will be okay.

Yesterday as Jerry and I were driving to Ogden Jerry asked me, " If I get an internship in California during the summer would you come with me?" At first I thought about it...yeah of course, a summer in California sounds amazing. But then I thought deeper....what about my dad? Who will he be with? And that's when the truth sunk in. There are going to be very hard decisions in my future. How do I decide whether to leave my dad alone all summer long, or let Jerry go to California alone, risking the relationship we have built. It is so tough! I cried for a little while in the car, not letting Jerry see that just thinking about my future decisions is causing me so much stress. For now, that is in the back of my mind, I don't need to worry about it now. When the time comes, I will decide.

It just seems that there are always so many choices that I have to make. There is always one thing out there waiting to break me. So a lot of the time I put on a happy face, sometimes to fool others, and a lot of the time to fool myself. I can make my self believe that I am happy most of the time, until I really get thinking about things. Then I wonder, "Am I accepting less than I deserve?" "Am I putting on this fake facade, and just making things worse for myself?" Honestly I don't know.

I am sure Justine and I still agree, "Life is tough."
And there is a funny story to go along with that. But it is, life is tough, life is tough, life is tough. But I wouldn't give up the life I have been given for anything else in the world.
When the time comes, decisions will be made, and life will go on.

P.S I feel like I am always complaining on this blog, and most of the time I am. But a lot of the time this blog is the only way I can express my self. I don't lie to this blog, and as a result, all of you have to listen to me complain. But apparently you still come back. ;)

Have a good night. Don't stress the future, it's all in the plan.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Back to school. whew!

We went to Bear Lake this weekend!

On Sunday Jerry and I moved to the dorms at University Village in Ogden. My dad brought down his truck and helped us move all of my thousands of things into my third floor dorm. He left shortly after everything was moved in, and it was so hard for me to let him go. And I know that it was hard for him to leave. I call him lots everyday and I try to talk positively so that he knows that I will be home shortly. He seems like he is doing alright. I wrote him a letter before I left and I left it on his night stand so that he would see it that night before he went to bed. He keeps telling me how much he liked it. :) I am so glad, anything that I can do to cheer him up a little bit, I will do!
Classes have been going well. We started out Monday with just one class each. We both had math, mine was Math for Elementary Teachers. It is so much fun, we get to use blocks and counting tools, and learn how children learn. I like it a lot. After class we went to Salt Lake to pick up some Bug parts that we had ordered a while ago. While we were there we also went to a few stores and just looked around. It was nice to just have a whole day with nothing to do. On Tuesday I had three classes to go to, but I forgot my schedule at my dorm, and I had Jerry look it up for me. I had the times mixed up and so did Jerry so I ended up missing my second class. I made it to the other two which were Math (again) and Environmental Appreciation. The teacher is so funny, kind of like a hippi man (like you can imagine. :) Yesterday I had math (AGAIN!!!) and a self defense class. Which could actually be called Karate, we even have to buy the little outfits! Ay ay ay, can you imagine me doing Karate?

Today I had an honors class, which was the class that I missed on Tuesday, and you know what?? We had a QUIZ! Oh seesh! I was so nervous, and everyone seemed to be so smart. Luckily I found out that we get to drop our lowest two test scores. After classes today we took a nap and did some homework. The day went by so fast. Tomorrow we get done around 10:30, and then we will head home. :)

Oh! And I forgot! I talked to my advisor this week and she told me everything that I need to do for the teaching program. I have to fill out an application, write a paper, take a big, huge, scary test, and have an interview. I also have to keep my GPA up (which is a 3.7 right now,) and have a minimum of 40 credit hours. I am getting so nervous for everything, and when I think about it too much I make my self sick. I am just going to take everything one thing at a time, and it will work out, (I hope.)

Anyway we rented "17 Again," and we are getting ready to watch it. :) I hope you had a good Thursday!

I decided not to let my past rule my future so I decided to change my present in order to open up my future.
- Dr. Ana Guzman

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Kind Hearts & Friendship

I had a wonderful day. Somedays I am so overwhelmed by the things people do that truly touch my heart.

*Today Rani (my *fill-in mom) took me to lunch. :)

*While I was at work, a man whom I have always considered a grandpa figure came to visit me. He said he came to get his Lisence plates a month early because he heard it was my last day at work. What a kind man. He is such a special person, and I hope he knows he is always in my heart and in my prayers.

*A little story: Jerry and I were sitting on the couch in his living room when we heard his little brother, Kobie down stairs on the phone. He obviously didn't realize we could hear him. After being on the phone for only a minute he said, "I'm sorry for how I acted earlier. I feel really bad." Honestly, what 12 year old kid says that without being prompted by his parents? What a sweet little boy he is. It takes a lot of guts to apologize to your peer. Later on in the conversation we found out it was a little girl he was talking to, which makes it even cuter!

*Rani gave me a book tonight. It's the same book that her dad gave to her. Her dad said it changed his life. It's called "The Secret." I let you know how it goes. Rani is such a thoughtful person. I am so thankful to have her in my life.

*Jerry helped his brother Taylor work on his car tonight. It's so good to see them working together instead of against each other. Taylor even thanked Jerry for helping him.

*My dad took me out to dinner tonight. It was nice to spend some time with him. I am not looking forward to leaving him on Sunday.

Have a happy weekend! Spend lots of time in the sun, you never know when the snow will be here. (In Wyoming at least.)
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~Albert Schweitzer

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thankful Thursday

It seems that every time I get ready to write a 'Thankful Thursday' blog, my mind is over loaded with blessings, and I never want to leave a single one out.

First and foremost, I am thankful for this blog. Before this blog I had no way of expressing my feelings about my mom's death in an organized, understandable way. (Not to mention, I thought blogs were just plain weird. :)

I am thankful for my dad who comes to tuck me into bed every night even though I am now 20 years old. I guess you could say I am a daddy's girl. :)

I am thankful for the ladies I work with, they really go out of their way to help me. They bought me a Manicure/Pedicure gift card this week to thank me for working for them this summer. Thank me? I should be thanking them!! :)

I am thankful for the Lord, who has really blossomed in my life this year. I always knew God existed, I have just never been so close to him.

I am thankful for the people that I have met through this blog and others. God brings people into your life for a reason, and sometime it takes a 100 piece puzzle to fit it all together. Everything happens for a reason.

I am thankful that school starts soon. I have always looked forward to the first day of school, even in college. Good thing I want to be a teacher. :)

I am thankful for the little things everyday that remind me, "Life is fragile. You only have one life. You will never live this day again."

I am thankful for Jerry. It's so nice to hear someone tell you they love you multiple times a day.

I am thankful for my friends. And quite honestly, "Why are we all going to different colleges?"
*I miss you girls!

I could go on forever. Because truthfully I am thankful for this life I have been given to live. I am thankful for all the opportunities I am given.

These pictures were taken sometime between 1989 and 1993 of my parents. They look so happy! :) I am thankful for all the pictures that bring back happy memories for my dad.

And, maybe just the tiniest bit, I am thankful to miss my mom. When they say, "You don't know what you got till it's gone." They're not lying. No one really receives their full appreciation until they are in Heaven.

And as always, I am thankful to have the most beautiful guardian angel in Heaven, I call her mom. :)

In other news:
*I should probably start packing up my stuff.
*We are going to Bear Lake on Saturday with Jerry's dad, step-mom and little sisters.
*We move into the dorms on Sunday!
*School starts Monday morning! :)
*Tomorrow is my last day of work.
*I learned what a Duvet cover is. I was a little disappointed when I didn't recieve a fully stuffed comforter. (That's where mom's come in handy.)

And for all of this, I am thankful.

I hope you are having a day full of blessings! Happy Thursday!

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." -James Dean

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

This is the way it is meant to be.

My mom died November 10th, 2008 from Diabetes. At the young age of 50, she met our Heavenly Father at the gates of Heaven. My mom had diabetes from the time she was pregnant with my older sister Jessica, who we affectionately call Pete. Up until the time that my mom died, nothing [out of the ordinary] ever happened to us. I had the average family of a mother, a father and a half (who I consider a whole) sister. My mom had diabetes my whole life. I never thought much of it. Sure, my friends would always ask about my mom giving her self shots, and how the intake of sugar effected her body. But she was my mom, my beautiful, heroic, never-had-a-better-friend-in-the-world, mom.

All my life I saw people lose their loved ones, some would lose grandma's, some would lose brothers, maybe an aunt and occasionally even some lost their parents. I always thought how tough it must be to lose a parent. One day while playing at a Mc Donald's shortly after a girl in my class lost her father to a heart attack, I told my friend, "I could never handle losing a parent." Her mother quickly reassured me, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." And for some reason, after all of those years that have passed, I still remember. Unfortunately at the age of 19, during my first year of college, you guess it, he brought me to it, and sure enough, he's helping me through it. The life that I never imagined I could handle, is being handled. I am to the point that I am peaceful, yet easily broken. I understand the my mother's death was necessary to full fill God's plan. This is the way it is meant to be.

Unfortunately that peace that is over me, does not comfort my dad at this time. He is sad. He cries often, at dinner, at home, at work, while doing laundry--always. It breaks my heart. The worst part about it is, I have no way of comforting him. When he talks about it, to protect my sensitive heart, I ignore him. I tell him, "I miss her too," or "It'll get better." Oh how I wish it would get better! I pray for my dad every night. I pray:
Dear God,
Please watch over my daddy. Help him to find joy in life. Help my dad to find comfort in my mom's death. Help him to seek you and my mom spiritually. Oh please Lord, help my daddy to be happy.
--Maybe I am saying it wrong. Maybe the wording is wrong. Maybe it's just too soon. But God knows what I mean.

As I get ready to leave for my 2nd year of college, I pray that my dad won't be so [entirely] lonely. I ask you, whoever may read this, please pray for my daddy, as he will be home alone for five days a week for the next 8 months. Oh, I hope that God has a way of making my dad happy, or at least happier.
I just don't understand how I can feel peace while my dad is so miserable. I know it is hard, it is hard for me too. I know that people have prayed a lot for us lately, but how come I feel this peace and my dad doesn't?
I'll continue to pray. God is good.

Jerry and I visited his dad and step-mom tonight. His step-mom and my fill-in mom has pre diabetes. This worries me. But Diabetes doesn't have to be a killer. It can be stopped, controlled and taken care of. Take care of your body, eat the right foods, exercise and know that Diabetes is a disease, but one that can be maintained.

* I beg you to please pray for my sweet daddy. He is the best dad in the world. I just want my happy dad back!

The truth is, without death we can not experience life. Without sorrow we can have no laughter and delight. We must take the good with the bad.

This is the way it is meant to be.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tomorrow may never come.

"It is great to be around someone that pushes as much as they pull and to know that they will be around to help you at the bottom and applaud you at the top."
-Krina Turner

Today is a good day. It's my last Tuesday at work. It's not too hot outside, and looks as it might rain. :) I have realized I have the best friends. I couldn't ask for better. I get scattered texts through out the day just to ask how I am doing. I only hope that I am the friend to them that they are to me.

I have been thinking a lot lately about this: We often look to the future expecting things to get better with time. We live life settling for what we have, believing that things will get better, our [[life]] will improve in the future. But the truth is, what we are experiencing now is, life! We only have one life, one chance to be happy, and we will never live this day again. I know it has been said many times, many different ways, but you never know how many more days you have left. For example if you're driving a car now, waiting for a better one to come a long you're never going to be happy with your current car. If you always think there is better out there, you are never going to be happy with what you have. Let's say, you have a Honda, but there is always going to be a Audi that you want, once you finally have the Audi there is going to a Bugatti. What I am trying to get at is, appreciate what you have, maybe it's not the best out there, but it's yours. There is always going to be a prettier girl out there, there will always be a bigger house, a faster car, a better paid job--the grass will always look greener on the other side. Realize that with out your [less] green grass, you wouldn't be the person you are today. That [less] green grass has nourished your body everyday. It has always been there for you. Sure, you can stretch your neck over the fence to get a bite of the green grass, but in the end your neck will be cut from the barbed wire. [If you're a cow that is. :P]
--Maybe I am totally off on this. But we should appreciate what we have today, even if it's not the best out there.

Did that make any sense at all?

**Have an amazing Tuesday. Appreciate what you have.

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, live today!

Monday, August 10, 2009

And the last drop of Summer is falling from the glass.

This weekend was so much fun! We were busy non-stop, and I loved it! Friday right after work, Jerry, my dad and I left Evanston and headed to a Bee's baseball game in Salt Lake. We met up with Jerry's mom, step-dad and little brother. The game was a lot of fun. I even got hit by a ball, and Kobie got to keep it! I saw a few bats break, while the batter hit the ball (I had no idea that happened). And I even learned a few baseball rules. We ate brats with sour kraut and ice cream out of miniature helmets. We came home after the game. On the ride home, I explained to Jerry the reasons why I believe there is a God, and Heaven. I told him how crazy it was the galaxies go on for ever and ever and eventually it has to stop, but it doesn't. It is a little far fetched to believe that, but so is believing in God. I know there is a higher power out there. I know my mom's life didn't end November 10th 2008, she's just somewhere else now. On Saturday my dad woke me up about noon, and I cleaned the house. It was so messy I was glad to get it looking good again. Once the house was cleaned, and my dad had mowed the lawn, we loaded up the boat and went out to Sulfur Creek Reservoir. Our boat trailer had lost a roller, and we needed to unload the boat to fix it. After we got the boat unloaded I went out to help Jerry dock the boat. It was so cold! Probably about 45 degrees (air temperature), and the freezing water was splashing up on my legs while the Wyoming wind blew. I had planned on fishing while the boys fixed the trailer, but it was way too cold for me! So I sat in the truck while they fixed the trailer. Jerry and my dad ended up breaking a few of the clips that hold the roller in place, so we had to leave the boat and the trailer to go get more Murdoch's. Finally the trailer was fixed and Jerry and my dad loaded the boat back on the trailer despite the wind. Once we got home Jerry and I decided to go to Ogden to watch a movie and eat dinner. We bought tickets for "A perfect Getaway" at 9:55pm. We ate dinner before the movie at Iggy's, and I almost stole the "secret sauce," but I chickened out. :) After dinner we had time to spare before the movie so we spent some time playing games in the Arcade, played Miniature Golf (which I won! :) and watched people on the FlowRider. Finally we watched the movie, which was really good, and I recommend it to anyone who likes scary movies.
To finish off our eventful weekend, Jerry, Katie, Baillie, Dawn Anne, Francine and I went to Lagoon! We went on lots of rides, ate Teriyaki Stix, and even got our picture taken as Saloon girls, and Jerry as an outlaw of course! :) Around 7 o'clock Jerry, Baillie and I decided we had had enough fun at Lagoon and we decided to leave. Katie, Francine and Dawn Anne stayed well into the night. Jerry, Baillie and I went to Olive Garden for dinner and then headed home (I slept the whole way.) It was fun to spend some time with all my friends before they go back to college. :)

It was a fun weekend! I wish every weekend was that eventful!

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

Friday, August 7, 2009

"You're mom would not cook it that way!!"

For the last 9 months I have been trying my hardest to cook dinner at night, the way my mom use to. For the most part I have done well. On Monday night my dad told me to put a roast that was in the freezer in the oven during my lunch break on Tuesday. So Tuesday's lunch break came, I got the roast out of the freezer and put it in pan. I had never cooked a roast before, but I was pretty sure I wasn't suppose to put the roast in the oven frozen. So I asked Rani, she informed me that the roast should thaw for a day or so. So I did what she said, I put it in the fridge to thaw, and planned on eating it Wednesday. When my dad came home from work and found out that we were not going to have roast for dinner he was furious. I explained to him that the roast needed to thaw. He kept saying, "why don't you listen to me?" But I didn't think he knew what he was talking about, I have never seen him cook a roast before. He kept telling me, "You're mom always cooked it that way," or "You're mom would be so mad at you right now." So last night we ate the roast that had thawed in the fridge for a day. I thought it turned out pretty well, but my dad informed me I did it all wrong. And he said over and over, "You used too much water." Then, I said, "I remember now, mom use to brown the outside on the stove before putting it in the oven." ( I remember this so well, I know that's what she did) Then he said, madly, "You're mom would be rolling over in her grave right now." UGH! I was over it, I try so hard to make him dinner. I can promise you that roast is not on my menu for a long time, probably not until I have a family of my own that won't compare my roast to my mom's. Next time he wants roast, HE will be cooking it, and I made that clear.

In other news:

*Yesterday Katie and I swam in the river. It was so much fun!

*My dad, Jerry, Jeff, Teresa, Kobie and I are going to a Bee's game tonight.

*I can't wait until this workday is over!

*We're going to Lagoon Sunday!

*Katie and I are going school shopping next Friday!

*17 more days until school starts.

Have a good weekend!!

"You're a falling star, you're the get away car.You're the line in the sand when I go too far.You're the swimming pool, on an August day.And you're the perfect thing to say." Michael Buble-Everything

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thankful Thursday

I woke up expecting..almost wanting rain. But it didn't rain. It's a beautiful windy day in Wyoming. :)
I have so much to be thankful for this Thursday.
I am thankful to have the opportunity to visit my mom at the cemetery every day. I know she is not there physically; but spiritually I feel her all around.

I am thankful to have so many pictures to remind me of how lucky I am to live the life I live.

I am thankful to have a loving boyfriend, to make me laugh, to help me cry and to be there every second of everyday.

I am thankful to have a dad to remind me, "That's not how your mom would cook that." --And it probably shouldn't be cooked any other way. ;)

I am thankful to have Bart and Rani in my life. They teach me so much. Rani gives me the best advice that any "fill-in" mom could give. :) I know my mom is so thankful to have her watching over me. Bart cooks the best food, and I always try to imitate it.

I am thankful for the music on my phone, without it my days would be very long.

I am thankful for all the beautiful flowers around Evanston. I know they are all growing towards Heaven because someone very special is up there. :)

I hope that you find yourself as blessed as I do this Thursday.

"May your days be many and your troubles be few. May all God's blessings descend upon you. May peace be within you may your heart be strong. May you find what you're seeking wherever you roam." Irish Blessing

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Monday, August 3, 2009

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

This weekend was a long one. But who's complaining? On Thursday I got off work at noon and Jerry, Taylor and I headed down to Ogden. Jerry met with his advisor, and we paid for housing. Then we went to Bob's VW in Salt Lake, we got a few parts, and then we were off to Orem, to pick up some [part] for Taylor's car. Then we went through beautiful Provo Canyon on the way home. The whole ordeal took about 6 hours. We arrived home to my Aunt Kim and my cousins, Lynndsey, Emmy and Riley. Brett was in town and came over to see the Bug, he brought his friend Breanna.. and Taylor. My uncle Curt came over with his son, Ryan and Ryan's girlfriend. Later, Mark came over with his girl friend and her friend. I made Manicotti that night for about 15 people. Our house was full! Usually we never finish the Manicotti, but it was completely gone that night! We ended the night by playing Apples to Apples (which I won!) and watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

The next day my Aunt Kim, Riley, Emmy, Lynndsey and my dad went to Big Piney for Kim's high school reunion. I stayed home and relaxed, until Jerry got off work. Then Jerry registered for his classes and we ate BBQ at the Fair for dinner, while watching a show. We went home and washed the Bug and Jerry painted the head lights. We went to bed early that night, and Jerry stayed at my house. :)

The next morning we were up by 6:30 AM and we got the Bug ready for the Car Show. We were at the car show, registered and parked by 8 o'clock, and we had until 10 for the car show to start. It was a very hot day so Taylor watched the car while Jerry and I got a tent and a cooler to make it through the day. The Bug was placed between two very nice cars. One very pretty red [[FAKE]] 32 Ford Coupe. And by fake I mean, it was a kit car, and he had it built only about 4 years ago. And the other was a Challenger (I think...haha) or possibly a Charger? I'm not sure, I get all those C's mixed up. Anyway it was a very nice and the owner knew it. His car ego was quite large. Sadly, the Bug didn't win any awards, but it was to be expected. We had lots of fun, and I look forward to taking the Bug to another car show soon! That night we played Poker with Jerry's dad and step-mom. We had lots of fun, and I did pretty good. :) After all, I am a professional. ;)

Yesterday Jerry, his dad, Rani and I floated down the river. It was so much fun! And nice an cool on a hot day. Only after about 10 feet down the river, Rani's tube popped! So Bart ran home to get a new one. While Jerry, Rani and I waited we saw two snakes. Gross! I hate snakes. Soon Bart was back and we continued down the river. There are a few rapids, and it is a lot of fun. After tubing Jerry and I went home and I ate a bowl of cereal while he had a bag of popcorn. I decided I was tired and began to take a nap. Five minutes into my nap, my aunt, my dad and cousins got home. We had a BBQ with ALL of the family, plus some. And while sitting in the hot sun we decided to have a water balloon fight. It was Riley and I against Jerry and Emmy (& Curt Kinda). It was lots of fun and soon enough the hose was brought out and we were soaked. :)

My aunt and cousins are heading back to Oregon today. :( It was so nice to see them but I wish we could see them everyday.

* I hope you had a fun filled weekend. Full of family, full of fun and full of blessings. :) I know we sure did.

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."-W. Somerset Maugham