Wednesday, August 19, 2009

This is the way it is meant to be.

My mom died November 10th, 2008 from Diabetes. At the young age of 50, she met our Heavenly Father at the gates of Heaven. My mom had diabetes from the time she was pregnant with my older sister Jessica, who we affectionately call Pete. Up until the time that my mom died, nothing [out of the ordinary] ever happened to us. I had the average family of a mother, a father and a half (who I consider a whole) sister. My mom had diabetes my whole life. I never thought much of it. Sure, my friends would always ask about my mom giving her self shots, and how the intake of sugar effected her body. But she was my mom, my beautiful, heroic, never-had-a-better-friend-in-the-world, mom.

All my life I saw people lose their loved ones, some would lose grandma's, some would lose brothers, maybe an aunt and occasionally even some lost their parents. I always thought how tough it must be to lose a parent. One day while playing at a Mc Donald's shortly after a girl in my class lost her father to a heart attack, I told my friend, "I could never handle losing a parent." Her mother quickly reassured me, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." And for some reason, after all of those years that have passed, I still remember. Unfortunately at the age of 19, during my first year of college, you guess it, he brought me to it, and sure enough, he's helping me through it. The life that I never imagined I could handle, is being handled. I am to the point that I am peaceful, yet easily broken. I understand the my mother's death was necessary to full fill God's plan. This is the way it is meant to be.

Unfortunately that peace that is over me, does not comfort my dad at this time. He is sad. He cries often, at dinner, at home, at work, while doing laundry--always. It breaks my heart. The worst part about it is, I have no way of comforting him. When he talks about it, to protect my sensitive heart, I ignore him. I tell him, "I miss her too," or "It'll get better." Oh how I wish it would get better! I pray for my dad every night. I pray:
Dear God,
Please watch over my daddy. Help him to find joy in life. Help my dad to find comfort in my mom's death. Help him to seek you and my mom spiritually. Oh please Lord, help my daddy to be happy.
--Maybe I am saying it wrong. Maybe the wording is wrong. Maybe it's just too soon. But God knows what I mean.

As I get ready to leave for my 2nd year of college, I pray that my dad won't be so [entirely] lonely. I ask you, whoever may read this, please pray for my daddy, as he will be home alone for five days a week for the next 8 months. Oh, I hope that God has a way of making my dad happy, or at least happier.
I just don't understand how I can feel peace while my dad is so miserable. I know it is hard, it is hard for me too. I know that people have prayed a lot for us lately, but how come I feel this peace and my dad doesn't?
I'll continue to pray. God is good.

Jerry and I visited his dad and step-mom tonight. His step-mom and my fill-in mom has pre diabetes. This worries me. But Diabetes doesn't have to be a killer. It can be stopped, controlled and taken care of. Take care of your body, eat the right foods, exercise and know that Diabetes is a disease, but one that can be maintained.

* I beg you to please pray for my sweet daddy. He is the best dad in the world. I just want my happy dad back!

The truth is, without death we can not experience life. Without sorrow we can have no laughter and delight. We must take the good with the bad.

This is the way it is meant to be.


  1. i wanna cry.
    i love you.
    i love your dad.
    i loved/love your mom.
    i love you.

    im going to be commuting back and forth from slc to evanston until i find a house during school. aka. im going to visit your dad during the week on ocassion. think thatll be alright?

  2. Nicole, you have truly touched my heart. I could never imagine losing my mom at such a young age. I know the reality is some of us do and thank the Lord that he is there for the survivors. I will pray for you dad deeply. You seem like an amazing young lady and I already feel blessed to know so little about you. God Bless you as you head off to school.