Monday, August 31, 2009

...Oh forget it.

Sometimes I find that I just ignore things just so that I don't have to think about it. I put things in the back of my mind, and think about happy things, the way things use to be, it makes me feel better. A lot of the time I forget that my mom is gone. And when I remember, and truly think about it, it really gets me down in the dumps. When I am in Ogden it is easy for me to *forget* how sad my dad is. The future scares me. It scares me more than anything. I just wish I had things figured out.

I am so worried about applying for the teaching program. What if my paper isn't good enough? What if I totally bomb the CAPP test? What if I am just not made to be a teacher? So for now, I focus on now, the present, and maybe the near future. But not much over that. I trust that what happens in the future has been set to happen all my life. It's all within God's plan, and I know what ever my future may hold, I will be okay.

Yesterday as Jerry and I were driving to Ogden Jerry asked me, " If I get an internship in California during the summer would you come with me?" At first I thought about it...yeah of course, a summer in California sounds amazing. But then I thought deeper....what about my dad? Who will he be with? And that's when the truth sunk in. There are going to be very hard decisions in my future. How do I decide whether to leave my dad alone all summer long, or let Jerry go to California alone, risking the relationship we have built. It is so tough! I cried for a little while in the car, not letting Jerry see that just thinking about my future decisions is causing me so much stress. For now, that is in the back of my mind, I don't need to worry about it now. When the time comes, I will decide.

It just seems that there are always so many choices that I have to make. There is always one thing out there waiting to break me. So a lot of the time I put on a happy face, sometimes to fool others, and a lot of the time to fool myself. I can make my self believe that I am happy most of the time, until I really get thinking about things. Then I wonder, "Am I accepting less than I deserve?" "Am I putting on this fake facade, and just making things worse for myself?" Honestly I don't know.

I am sure Justine and I still agree, "Life is tough."
And there is a funny story to go along with that. But it is, life is tough, life is tough, life is tough. But I wouldn't give up the life I have been given for anything else in the world.
When the time comes, decisions will be made, and life will go on.

P.S I feel like I am always complaining on this blog, and most of the time I am. But a lot of the time this blog is the only way I can express my self. I don't lie to this blog, and as a result, all of you have to listen to me complain. But apparently you still come back. ;)

Have a good night. Don't stress the future, it's all in the plan.

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