Saturday, October 3, 2009

A letter to heaven.

Dear mom,
I miss you so much. I miss calling you on the phone. Remember all of the things we use to talk about? Jerry, school, friends, politics...everything. You wouldn't believe all of the things that have changed since you've been in Heaven. Our house is never as clean as you kept it. Dad has put up a lot of pictures, and I know you would think it is too cluttered, but it's okay because they're all pictures of you. I try so hard to do things the way you did them. I've even learned how to cook (now I know why you hated making enchiladas)! I still put the decorations on the mantle, and I can never get it to look as good as you could. I have lots of plants now, and the plant that you gave me for my dorm last year is getting so big. I have a few others from your funeral. I forget to water them, they hardly get sun and they're still alive, I know you're keeping them alive.
You know what I miss the most mom? I miss having you at home. I HATE being home alone, and it has turned into one of my biggest fears. It's just not the same without you. I miss calling you after class, and I miss having someone care that I actually do my homework. I miss having someone tell me their proud of me when I do well on a test. I try so hard at school, just to keep busy and to make you proud. I miss the funny voices you would do, and the songs you would sing. So much music reminds me of you, and I can still see you dancing. I had the scariest interview the other day, and no one understood how scared I was, but I know you did. It's not really fair mom, it's not fair that your life only lasted 50 years. It's not fair at all!!! Today has been a hard day for me. It's one of those days, that I've been angry at the world because you're not here with me. And it's just not fair because so much as been thrown at me, and I just have to deal with it. Uncle Curt is living in his truck now. And I know that you're the only possible person that could help him, your the only person that has even been able to help him. We've all tried, but he won't listen. Please watch over him, it's getting so cold out.
Oh! And mom, dad is going crazy. Well not actually crazy. But I think he doesn't know what to do with himself. Watch over him too, mom. And mom, watch over me too. I hope you know how hard I try to make things okay. I try so hard to make you proud, and to take care of dad. But sometimes, like now, it's so so hard, and I can't do anything other than cry. And when I cry, I cry for hours. It's the hardest thing in the world. You know the night you went to Heaven? Well I didn't call you that night, like I said I would. And I regret that with all my heart, I hope you know how much I love you. And you know how the weekend before you asked me to go to that concert because dad couldn't go, and I said no? Well I still regret that too, I wish so badly that I would have gone. I am so sorry for all the times I wasn't a perfect daughter, and I am sorry for all the times I made you sad. I hope you realized then, how much I admired you, how much I wanted to be just like you. And I still do! Someday I hope I am half the person you were.

I miss you so much mom because you're the one person that accepted me. You accepted everyday. You're the only person in the world that can make me stop crying, and truly make everything okay. Like the time I didn't make the cheer squad, and the time I was betrayed by a friend. You were always there for me, unlike anyone else in the world. I wish you could be here for my wedding and for the day when I have my kids. I'm so sad that you won't be here to decorate my first house, or to help me through my first day of school as a teacher. I am devasted that you won't be here for my college graduation or my 21st birthday. I mean, I know you will be here, I just wish that you would be here to hug me, and tell me your proud of me. I wish you were here to teach me how to be just like you. I miss you mom!!!!!!! It's just not fair!!!!!!!!!

Well mom, I hope to see you in my dreams tonight, and I'll talk to you in my prayers soon. Thanks for being the most amazing person in my life, and the mom that every girl needs. I love you momma!

Love always,

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