Yesterday, while sitting at work, I watched a baby sleep and I thought;

I thought about my first 3 days of school so far.

I thought about my first year of college.

I thought about my mom dropping me off at my dorm, getting it all set up, and leaving me there, alone. And then coming back the next day because she missed me so much already.

I thought about my mom dying. I thought about the call that I received from my dad asking me if the dorms were unlocked because he was there. I knew something was wrong, I knew that something was definitely wrong for my dad to be meeting me at my dorm at 7:30 on a Monday morning.

I went to unlock the outside doors of the building only to meet him at the elevator. We got on the elevator and the door closed. And it was then that my dad gave me the worst news of my life. I shook my head, I cried and I said "no" time after time.

On November 10, 2008, I had only been at Weber for a little over 2 months. And on November 17, I went back to school.

And as I sat yesterday, watching that baby sleep. I thought to myself.

"What was I thinking, going back to school 7 days after my mom's death?"

"Why in the world did I go back to school 3 days after laying my mom to rest?"

Well, maybe it was because my body was in too much shock. The death of mom wasn't real.

Or maybe it was because laying in bed crying would do more harm than it would good.

And it wasn't until I walked out of my math class, getting my phone from my pocket and calling my mom, that I realized that my life has forever been changed.

Yesterday, as I watched that baby sleep, I missed my mom.

I could only think of how proud she would be of me. I can only imagine what she would tell people about her daughter in college.

I thought about my wedding planning without my mom, my best friend. And I know that she would be sad to miss it.

But I don't think that anyone is sad in Heaven. I don't think that they miss out on anything. I'm sure that she is rooting for me in heaven, and giving me advice for my wedding in my thoughts and hopes.

But in so many ways, I miss my momma. I miss having someone who I trust in every aspect. I miss having someone call to make sure I'm okay and to give me advice on how I should properly clean my toilet. I miss having her ask me for a 'poopoo', and I miss her tight hug and endless 'I love you's'. And that is something that no one can ever replace.

Our Wedding

Jerry and I have began planning our wedding.

Last weekend we went Grand Targhee Resort to look around. We loved it!

We have decided that it is going to be the place!

We were hoping to get married in June, but we found out that there would be too much snow in June. So we decided on July 7th, but when I emailed the guy, he said that there was already a wedding scheduled for that day. Now we are waiting to hear back from him on the other dates that we will be able to plan for sure.

Look how beautiful!

I have been trying to pick colors for the wedding, but I have been having a hard time. And Jerry isn't any help, sometimes he has a giant opinion, and other times he doesn't care at all. I'm not sure what I would prefer.

As of now, I have it down to two options, tell me what you think.

Option number one-

Everyone wears black and white. Center pieces and flowers will be pink and green, like this. :)

Option number two-

Neutral colors like brown and tan, with a light pink. More like this.....

Well tell me, what do you think?

B.

His name was Oliver B. Oxen Free. You know, Ollie Ollie Oxen Free?

But we called him B.

It was Christmas time, when I was fifteen years old. My mom kept telling me that she was getting the best Christmas present for me! I knew that she had been looking on the internet, so I spied and looked online. The site that she was on was KSL. I could only wonder what special Christmas present that I would be getting from KSL, the possibilities were endless.

On Christmas eve my mom, dad and Richard drove to Provo, UT to pick up my special gift. That night when my mom got home, she called and told me to come see my present, I thought I was getting a car! I walked out of my room to find a tiny kitten in a wicker basket.

He was a pure bred Siamese cat. The cutest little kitty I had ever seen. I was so excited, my very own cat. I considered many names for him, Oswald, Harry, Theodore but finally, my mom and I picked Oliver.

I love him more than anything! I would sleep with him, and cry with him. And my mom would ask him, "B, you want a sagey? (massage) He would run to her bed and roll over. My mom would give him a neck massage as he laid on his back. He loved her and she loved him.

When I left for college, leaving Oliver and Stanley was just as hard as leaving my parents. My mom would send me pictures of the cats laying on my bed.

Unfortunately, today 7 years later, my dad called to tell me that he had found B dead. :( I was devastated, and could only think of B bonking his head on the coffee table as he always did. I thought about his cute little meow, and the way he would nudge me to pet him.

I loved that cat, almost as much as I love Jerry. I am going to miss him, but I can picture my mom giving B a massage in Heaven.

I'm going to miss you Oliver B, I love you kitty cat!

Just a little wake up call. :)

Because he's my dad.....

Well I know it's a day late, but it's never too late to brag about your dad. So let me tell you a little bit about my dad.

He has always pushed me to do my best. I remember times that I would bring home a report card with all A's and one A- and he would want to know why I didn't get an A in that class. But I always knew he was proud of me.

He has always worked so hard to make sure that I had everything!

He has been my best friend my entire life, and I know that he is always there for me.

He is my best advocate, and sticks up for me in every situation.

I remember one time when I was little I was taking a bath and I lathered my hair up with shampoo, and sticking it all to the top of my head so that it would look like I had short hair. I stood up to look in the mirror and I was so surprised to see just how much I looked like him.

My dad loves to tell me stories about his childhood.

He thinks that he is a pretty funny guy, and often laughs at his jokes when no one else is.

My dad is one of the smartest people I know. Whenever I have a question that no one else can answer, I know he will either know the answer, or make up a believable one.

When I was in Elementary school he would always get excited for the science fair, and [WE] would always get first place. :)

He loves me unconditionally, and I know that whenever I need him he will be there.

In so many ways my dad and I are alike. We don't like to talk to people on the phone, we don't like to be around big crowds of people we don't know, we love our family and we love each other.

My dad is my hero.

I love him!

June 17th

Happy Birthday mom. I wish you were here to celebrate. I would drive to Evanston, just to see you on your birthday. I would make you German chocolate cake, and Kimber would come to visit. I can see you dancing to Simply Red, that would be playing loud in the back ground. You would have shorts on, because it would be a hot day. You would be so happy because everyone you love would be there to visit. At work you would eat cake and dad would send you flowers. And you wouldn't even mind that you were turning 53 years old, because you never looked a day over 30.

You would hold Stanley and B, kissing them on their neck as they purr. You would laugh and smile at your beautiful grand daughter. And I would look at you, smiling, knowing that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my mom.

But because you aren't here, physically, to celebrate your 53rd birthday, we will celebrate your life, and the legend you left behind. We will spend the weekend, camping in "Winnie" our old motor home, and hanging out on "The Woman," our boat that we named after you. Not a minute will go by that we won't watch for you in the sky, and we will tell stories of your life. But most of all, we will be happy, because I know that more than anything, you would want us to be happy, especially on your birthday.

Never a day goes by that we don't think of you. You are a precious piece of our hearts and always will be. I love you mom, and I miss you more than words can tell. I can't wait to see you again someday.

Happy Birthday Momma!

I love you.

Cole

My job and my career.

I can't say that I love everything about my current job.

I wouldn't even say that the job I have now is something that I would enjoy doing for the rest of my life.

There are moments when I would rather flip burgers at Mc Donalds. And there are moments when I question my future career that I have spent 3 years so far preparing for.

There are several times EVERY day that I shake my head in disbelief. And there are times that I want to give up and walk away.

Certain situations put me right back in my childhood, others make me wish I was still there.

Patience and smiles have to be plentiful all.day.long. And not a day goes by that I don't tie shoes, wipe noses or kiss boo boos.

I get home from work, to tell Jerry about the kids, the funny things they say, the fights they get in to, the questions that they ask.

"Why is my shadow following me? And why is it black?"

There are times when, "Miss Nicole" is the last thing I want to hear.

But never a day goes by that there isn't a moment that makes me think ((that's why I want to work with kids.))

I smile all day long. I laugh all day long. I get drawings and hugs all day long.

Every day that I am at the daycare, especially the days that I work with the school age kids, I learn more and more. I learn what to do, and even more, I learn what not to do.

Everyday I spend 8 hours with kids that I won't know in 2 years, but to know that I had a part in their life means everything to me.

Who knew a minimum wage job would be worth so much more?