Thursday, August 25, 2011

Yesterday, while sitting at work, I watched a baby sleep and I thought;

I thought about my first 3 days of school so far.

I thought about my first year of college.
I thought about my mom dropping me off at my dorm, getting it all set up, and leaving me there, alone. And then coming back the next day because she missed me so much already.

I thought about my mom dying. I thought about the call that I received from my dad asking me if the dorms were unlocked because he was there. I knew something was wrong, I knew that something was definitely wrong for my dad to be meeting me at my dorm at 7:30 on a Monday morning.
I went to unlock the outside doors of the building only to meet him at the elevator. We got on the elevator and the door closed. And it was then that my dad gave me the worst news of my life. I shook my head, I cried and I said "no" time after time.

On November 10, 2008, I had only been at Weber for a little over 2 months. And on November 17, I went back to school.

And as I sat yesterday, watching that baby sleep. I thought to myself.

"What was I thinking, going back to school 7 days after my mom's death?"
"Why in the world did I go back to school 3 days after laying my mom to rest?"

Well, maybe it was because my body was in too much shock. The death of mom wasn't real.
Or maybe it was because laying in bed crying would do more harm than it would good.

And it wasn't until I walked out of my math class, getting my phone from my pocket and calling my mom, that I realized that my life has forever been changed.

Yesterday, as I watched that baby sleep, I missed my mom.

I could only think of how proud she would be of me. I can only imagine what she would tell people about her daughter in college.

I thought about my wedding planning without my mom, my best friend. And I know that she would be sad to miss it.

But I don't think that anyone is sad in Heaven. I don't think that they miss out on anything. I'm sure that she is rooting for me in heaven, and giving me advice for my wedding in my thoughts and hopes.

But in so many ways, I miss my momma. I miss having someone who I trust in every aspect. I miss having someone call to make sure I'm okay and to give me advice on how I should properly clean my toilet. I miss having her ask me for a 'poopoo', and I miss her tight hug and endless 'I love you's'. And that is something that no one can ever replace.

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