Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Have You in My Heart.

Thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and the day before that too. I think of you in silence,I often speak your name. All I have are memories and pictures in some frames. Your memory is a keepsake, which I'll never part, God has you in His keeping....I have you in my heart.

Never a day goes by that I don't think about my mom. I think about her when I do something wrong, that she had taught me not to do. I think about her when I do something I know would make her proud. I think about her when I think about my future. And of course I think about her when I think about my past.
There will never be a day of my life, that I won't think about my mom.

I took a nap the other day, and my mom was in my dream. This isn't unusual, she is almost always in my dreams. But this time, it was so real, it was like she never left. And in my dream my mom said to me, "I'm in your dreams, because I never want you to forget what I'm like. I don't want you to forget my smell, my sense of humor, and what it's like to be with me. And I don't want you to forget I love you." I have no doubt in my mind that my mom uses my dreams to talk to me and to be a part of my life. I know, some of you think I'm crazy. But I don't care, because I know she is in those dreams with me. It made me cry as soon as I woke up, because I do miss her so very much.

A few months after she had passed away, I had a dream, and in my dream she told me, "You can't be sad anymore. It's time to be happy."
I know that is what she wants. But sometimes, life is just tough.

I always think to myself, "I wish I could call my mom about this." And sometimes when I am really down, and no one can make it better, I close my eyes, and imagine her hugging me. I think about hugging her, squeezing her tight. And then I think about what she would say to me.

There are some days, that everything I see, everything I do, everything I hear reminds me of her. I see the beautiful trees, and I think about the times when I was little and she would explain to me how beautiful the trees were. I watch TV, and hear canned laughing, and think about how much she hated it. I can hear in my head saying, "Laddddyyyyy!" Because she would call me that and say it in the funniest voice. I think about the times that I didn't call her after every class and she would hurry and call me, because she was worried something would happen to me. She would call me at dusk to make sure I was back at my dorm, and she would call to ask if I made my bed.

To be quite truthful, it isn't fair that I had to lose my mom this early in my life. And it isn't fair that there are people out there that don't appreciate all their moms have done for them. It isn't fair, that the only opportunity I have to see my mom is in my dreams, and there are people out there that take their mom's for granted and don't ever see their moms. And it's days like today that I just want to be angry at someone, as if there is someone to blame.

But I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason, I know. Some days are harder than others, but I know that I will be okay, because I always have those dreams to see my mom, I always have those prayers to talk to my mom, and I always have the memories to know exactly what my mom would do in any situation.

I am incredibly thankful to God for all that he has given my in life. I am thankful for all those who help me through everything. I know that God has a plan, and that I will see my mom again some day in Heaven.
But for now,

I love you mom. I've missed you a lot today. I hope there is a kitty in Heaven for you to cuddle up with, and I hope you are watching a good drama filled Lifetime movie before you go to bed. I hope that Grandma Darlene is glad to have you by her side once again. Please watch over Dad, Jessica and I.
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1 comment:

  1. I've never cried so bad while reading something... this has touched me Coley... I love you! and i wish we would've never went our seperate ways so i could've spent more time with you and your mom... But i just have to remember the times we did spend together.. i wish you remembered that time in your basement though!.. haha :) I'm so sorry you've had to go thru this Nicole.. No one deserves it and especially not you.. You're one person that has always spent a lot of time with your family and i know you love them all.. Like you were saying, so many people take their moms for granted.. I dont understand.. I find myself thinking about your situation and i just ask "why?" i have a very hard time with stuff like that.. But i Know your mom is watching down on you.. and that it is her way of talking to you is thru your dreams.. I'm so happy you get to talk to her even like that though :) She's amazing.. and so are you my friend! I love YOU!